Thursday

Things that could spark Life for me



Spending an entire day eating junk food without feeling guilty

Telling someone the story of my life, sparing no details

Giving my mother a dozen red roses and telling her how much I love her

Putting my name down to be a passenger on the first tourist shuttle to the moon

Drinking beer at Oktoberfest in Munich

Sleeping under the stars

Going wild in Rio during the Carnival

Experiencing all cuisines and travelling the world

Indulging in the most fabulous world spas

Putting my money and name on something: a college scholarship, a bench in the park, sun shelters or water fountains at bus stops

Growing and tending a garden

Living in a beach facing home across aqua waters

The high of weed

Look into a dogs eyes and being filled with a tender feeling

Stimulating, respectful, deep conversations with family or close friends

Having ‘spiritual experiences’ (sense of transcendence, gratefulness, connectedness, being loved by the Source, stillness, etc)

Being totally goofy and/or laughing long and hard with friends

Experiencing other’s artistic creativity, particularly when its really innovative

Being creative myself (writing a song, story or paper; creating a campaign for the development sector or a beneficial social site etc)

Gathering with a group of friends for a tasty meal and some wine

Traveling to new places

A room full of flowers of all hues and colours

What sparks life in you?:)

Monday

Was it a vision or did I see God?

HAve you ever been to a place, a holy place - seeking peace, quitetude and a connection with Him? And then realized that without you knowing why or how, you have been weeping silent tears - real tears; rolling down your cheeks, and you cannot fathom why such deep sadness or why such huge releif? At that moment you feel like he was there right in front of - holding your hand, looking you squarely in the eye with a smile, enveloping you in his warmth.

I have always believed God exists within. And that one doesn't have to go to holy places to seek Him. And yet when I have been to such holy places in my lifetime- I have been on some rare occasions been left speechless with my own reactions. I simply cannot explain it

Is this what they call the 'connection'? Why does this happen? Does anyone have any answers to this? Have you ever felt it? And how did you deal with it?

Tuesday

When ill- you gotta be home

The phrase “no place like home” comes alive when one is ill, sick, blue, down and out. The tender loving care showered on you when sick, the gentle care with which things move around you, the love that envelops you at such times - makes you want to take re birth in the same family again and again and again

Before you can open your mouth and complaint - things are taken care of, a heck of a lot of home remedies have you bouncing back on your feet within no time, you are allowed to sulk and whine and they simply look at you fondly as if a baby who knows no better, they ruffle your hair and say ‘its all right this too shall pass’ making you feel the sting of tears at the back of your eyes for you being so blessed when they are so kind and considerate

Home is rightly the place for one to be tended from sick to well being again. Home is where love is unconditional. Home is about kindness and nurturing. Home is where you get tender loving care when ill. I am glad to be home. Thank you God for such a wonderful family.

Thursday

My Guilt



Everyone had been scaring me and I was kind of see-sawing between wanting a dog soooooo badly and giving into the fears. I've been absolutely loooonging to have a lil Lab pup as a pet and have been jostling between how will I manage, will I need a full time maid, what do I do when I travel etc...Fears of how will I look after a pet all by myself with no help? Fear of never having a pet animal before and not knowing if I will take a shine to this new creature in my life? Fear of what if he doesn’t like me? Fear of will I be able to give him as unconditionally as they say dogs give to their masters? Fear of tending, nurturing, caring, training all despite work, office and routine life… Till one day I got the courage to accept a dog – a princely little pup, all of 7 weeks old - whose owner couldn’t keep him for her own reasons.

As soon as Pooch happened in my life I hunted high and low like never before and got the pup a maid who would alongside me tend to him, be there with him, love him, and look after him. I also took time out from work so that in his initial formative days I could be there for him, to train him, make sure he got the right meals, felt secure and safe and knew he was precious for me.

My days were a whirlwind with Pooch. My world revolved around Pooch completely and I have no guilt in admitting this. I found myself talking non stop with this little fellow from his waking hours till he slept, I watched him sleep, eat, and do potty, trained him to go the bathroom instead of any place in the house, gave him his meals, fed him, took him to the vet for his first shots, drove the car so gently and slowly so as to not disturb him if he was sleeping in the car, and to make sure he never felt an “ooh ah ouch” of speed breakers or bumps on the road.

From having a complete grip of my life, I suddenly found my life thrown into 8th gear as I was kept engaged with Pooch non stop for all my waking hours without exaggeration. In the time he would sleep I would check on work, do the house errands, tend to my plants as soon as he’d wake he needed a companion to play and do masti with. The young maid disappeared after one day and so it was back to Pooch and me together managing our lives. I was going nuts cleaning after him but he was just so adorable and so responsive to training and playing and compliments and once in a while ticking off that there was no ways I was turning him away from me.

Every day I would be mentally saying to myself soon I will manage him, the house and work more efficiently. He can accompany me to work and come back home in the evening with me. I will look after him at work. He will soon become magically trained and understand everything. The issue was he was too young a baby, he wanted everything in his mouth from dirt and dust to plastic to vessels to chair and table stands to the iron of the bed to rugs and spoons everything- and making sure none of the harmful stuff went into his mouth, he had become adept at the command “open your mouth Pooch”- so much so at times he even outsmarted me by hiding stuff under his toungue so that he wouldn’t be caught out. This constant tension that he may swallow something wrong while my back was turned away bothered me no end. I badly needed help to keep an eye on him while I turned away for a few seconds and there was none…

Also after being away from office for over a week, I needed to resume work- and that tension had started mounting on me. I wasn’t able to find any help, I was struggling to keep tabs on him not putting wrong things in his mouth, my own eating sleeping patterns had gone awry…I was wilting with some defeat setting in.

Pooch is a little baby, my little tiger, my shweeto baby and I loved him to distraction. I played games with him like when I was young, I cuddled him like I have never before, he was smelly becos I was told by the vet he cant be given a bath as he is too small yet, but I love him much much:) infact I wept copious tears one day becos he slept for 3 hrs non stop and despite waking him so many times- he wouldn't stir. I got so so so worried that maybe I had fed him bad, or too much, or too little…why was he not waking up?! I held him in my arms hugged him and wept a lot- he finally opened his one eye- climbed upto my neck and licked me a couple of times and then went back to sleep- I laughed and cried harder:)

He's been an unadulterated joy:)

The world had frightened me about how I would manage this lil pup alone, without help - and I had been saying “M, one day at a time” - I am equally afraid of such a huge responsibility, but his giving is so unconditional that I am willing to forgo my travel, and my going out etc till he grows up and can take charge of himself. Till then I am willing to be housebound and office bound. I was not willing to admit defeat. I wanted to make a winner out of this situation

Alas the story does not end on such optimism. I eventually came to realizing that real life is not about my own needs and desires but this little fellows needs are more important than mine. He needs people around him who will care for him and look after him without stressing about parallel lives such as outside home there is an office to go to! He needs a full family around him where people can take turns to look after him, rather than one person be there all 24hours around him. And most importantly he doesn’t need to be shunted from one home into another but needs a home that looks after him permanently. This realization brought grief, sadness, guilt, shamefulness, hurt, tears but for his sake I had to give him away till I got my own house in order. He now has been gone 5 days and not a single day goes without me pining for him or crying for him. Keeping my own guilt and need aside I know he is now in a home where he is being done justice to- he has constant companionship, even if people go off to office in that home, there is a the lady of the house, the kids and the servants at home for Pooch to never feel alone and always have companionship.

What I am left behind with are memories- happy ones where I remember Pooch walking like a lil tiger strutting his ware from room to room in my home, I remember him playing with me when I would throw the ball or he would want my toes for his playtime- he’d jump like a horse doing equestrian events at show- so majestically, and sometimes he’d be slipping and sliding all over himself and fall like a bundle of soft wool, he would get himself entangled in his own legs foolishly and then would get up looking dazed- give himself a good shake and then once again go diving for my toes and fingers…god he was such a delight. Absolutely worth having in my life. I miss him.

Monday

Chase the monsoon magic



Rain alters and rewrites life on earth- Dad's words ring through my ears today:)

Rains are washed in myriad emotions- there are times I feel all mystical and fuzzy, when the mood is to stay snuggled warmly amidst soft fluffy quilts watching the rain pelt down and make the grass and trees glow green again.

Rains paint the skies with a strange effervescence. There comes a fluorescent grey, dark grey and sometimes even orange skies that can make me feel so lonely and the need to shed tears becomes overwhelming. A steady drip, drip, drip could give a Zen master cabin fever. And here's the real news: You know that little dip in your mood? It isn't just your imagination. Constant rain fall does get you down, its scientifically proven.

The connection between smell and emotion has been described for long. The classic one is 'O! I love the smell of earth during the first rains" - those evoke memories of young, refreshing energized love, it's an unforgettable feeling and smell. It's like the rain has touched upon every single emotion you have as well as all of your senses. It's one of those kind of things where you have to experience it firsthand in order to really understand it completely

Rains can be very sensual and romantic; cause a feeling of calm and peacefulness to wash over you; make you extremely reflective and introspective; bring about a ton of thoughts about the past/present/future and help resolve issues that I might be struggling with at that particular time.

I love listening to the rain softly hit the windows or the roof as I go to sleep. It almost creates a feeling of comfort and being safe and that in itself tends to lull me to sleep. As a child, on our summer vacations, we would be allotted the top floor room in the house (so that we kids had our own space) where the roof was made of tin and it rained quite often and the sound of the rain rhythmically hitting that tin roof while we slept in either a hammock or on a cot would gently rock us to sleep and that's a memory that is stirred up every time I hear it rain.

I love walking while it's raining, preferably when it's in the evening when there aren't too many people about, because there's just something...well, I'm not sure what word to use is...but it's very calming but also sensual - the rain gently lands on your skin and trickles down your arms or legs and it really doesn't get much better than that.

Early rains, rains when the earth is parched and lose dust is flying about, rain that ups the water supply to our homes, rain that gushes for an hour and then allows the sun to shine thru the rest of the day, rain when I am at home or office but no rain when I am on the road, rain when I am blue and rain when I am with my loved ones, rain that washes off the grime from city roofs and trees, rain that announces its intent with thunder and lighting, rain that is slow and forever in the cold blistery clime - there are just way too many moods associated with rains.

PS: What do you feel when it rains? How does it make you feel high on life/low in life?

Thursday

Michael Jackson the Pop God



He might have died a sudden death, but Jackson leaves us with a music legacy for the ages.

As Michael Jackson made the unfortunate transition from pop-music icon to tabloid staple, one of the most common lines of attack was on his ever-changing appearance, the way his skin dramatically lightened in tone, and his face altered in structure to other accusations of a child molester etc . What's most tragic about Jackson's death, aside from the fact that it comes as he was mounting a comeback to include a sold-out 50-show residence at London's O2 Arena, is that what people will remember about him is his changing face. What they should remember: the way he changed the face of pop music.

I am deeply saddened and shocked by the death of a brother, a son, a daddy.......I am seriously still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that he is gone...he always seemed so much larger than life. I literally grew up watching him on tv and in videos and movies and most of all enjoying his music. The onslaught of so many emotions when I heard the news of his passing is beyond words....

I am still in utter shock hours later. There was an Elvis before we were born and then there was MJ - the most memorable voice in music history.

Let this serve as a reminder people....life is a gift every second you can try to enjoy it as tomorrow is not promised to anyone.

RIP......nobody knows the truth about this man...he may have been wrongfully accused. Nobody lives a perfect life. To his family, I am sorry for your loss. He had great talent!

If there is music in Heaven they will be having the largest biggest bestest concert today to celebrate whacko jacko’s return home

Saturday

Birthdays!



How do you feel about your birthday? Dread for aging? Happy for partying? Sad for lack of love and friends, who are all dispersed? Nostalgic, because you are older and wiser? Moody and fretful because you wish not everyone would fuss about you so? Bursting with enthusiasm for the love that is showered on you so unconditionally?

Birthdays usually come with many mixed emotions. And depending if you are in your teens or 20’s, 30’s or 60’s the moods it manifests itself with also varies. Sure it is about a birthday cake, and hugs and love, and family and friends, its also about reflections and introspection's, about taking a pause and mulling about ‘Why was I born”

Birthdays come once a year, knocking on your door and even if you opt not to open it, they somehow make it in!!! Sometimes the day is unusual, sometimes it is a dreaded knock especially when you leave behind the 20's!? For me, I would rather hear the knock than no knock at all!!!!!

In life, I have had many chapters I dream of -some I failed at, some I accomplished, some I'm still trying to reach. I've stumbled along the way, I've leaned on family and friends, I've used my instincts and gut feelings, been spontaneous, took my chances. But never can I regret any part of my living years.

My mistakes have made me stronger, my accomplishments have given me joy and laughter, my pain has taught me lessons, my heart has grown humble.

On my birthday, I reflected on my past, also saw some reflections of my future. I was part somber and part bursting with life. I was amidst family and friends. And faced two reality checks: the First- the rains have always brought on the blues for me on my birth date, and this birthday it didn't rain a drop for the first time - definite reason to worry about climate changes. the Second- the accident shook me bad but also made me glad that I was alive and breathing and living well. Made me count my blessings and knock on wood for the love of so many who keep me blanketed against disruptions


Who knows how the next birthday will be...I do not make advance plans, I do not like advance wishes, I do not wish to be gifted but would love a hug and blessings anytime, as much as at times the phone beep and non stop ringing may create a frown of irritation on my forehead, my God, I'd miss it sorely if that did not happen on my birthday:)

Happy Birthday to all of you sometime this year (except for the leap year B-days)....May you find joy in your special day and peace the following days.

Friday

The Shams of India

Chatting with a friend started me thinking about the myriad, highly diverting kinds of chicanery I’ve seen over the years in our beloved India:) This turned out to be such a rich topic...

Shamming for sympathy, including:

The supposedly blind guy at Java City with a white cane and dark glasses that weren’t dark enough to prevent you from noticing up close that he was always looking around and focusing on different sights. His perpetual grin didn’t help either.

The desperately sad-looking woman who came to clean the apartment block daily who remained seven months pregnant, and near tears, from mid-2005 well upto now. Beyond the boundary walls of the apartment block on her way in or out of the building when I hand her a packet of cookies or pastries her smile always becomes radiant.

The old woman who used to beg in front of Mac’s on Linking Road every day, bent over double and shaking even in this summer heat, made people reach out with food in concern for her old bones. Except on the two or three occasions when I saw her arrive for “work,” walking upright and not shaking at all.

Heartfelt hogwash, featuring:

A young woman with her family who used to stop people in the street explaining that they were villagers from Kolar who came to Bombay for medical help, and the same day they arrived they got their baggage stolen and now needed money for train fare home – a plausible story convincingly delivered, except that she told it to me on three or four different occasions over a two-year period.

Door-to-door hypocrites

Here’s a fun fact: quite a few people have knocked on my door claiming that I was obligated to comply with their wishes, which usually meant giving them money for one thing or another, and so far not a single one of them has been telling the truth. None. Zero. Liars all.

My favorites include:

The haughtily aggressive bill collector who insisted that I had to pay the previous tenant’s outstanding phone line bill to continue usage.

The “Energy inspector” (with no uniform or ID) who came by right after I moved into a new place and insisted on coming inside to check the papers for a dekho at the electricity meter. I was naive at the time that I actually let him in and showed him the 3 phase meter which he was not interested in , was busy gapin around the apartment and realized that it was essentially a single room with nothing in it worth taking away, let alone stealing.

And the impressively glib young man wearing a yellow jumpsuit and goggles hanging in the front and carrying a complex-looking “gas sensor” (I now think it was a fake empty box) who tried really hard to convince us that we were legally obliged to pay him 200 bucks to use his super-high-tech gizmo to verify that our gas stove wasn’t leaking. We decided to live dangerously.

Inexplicable absurdities

Shopping in one of those massive malls, I found myself in a watch store . As I was making my way through the crowd in the watch department, someone tapped me very firmly and rapidly several times on the shoulder from behind. I turned around and saw a skinny, well-dressed girl with glasses just completing the action of bending over a display case and assuming a glaringly affected look of poring over the watches as though making a carefully considered choice. She was even rubbing his chin as if thoughtfully!.

I have no idea what that was about. A distraction as a setup for a pickpocket? One of those asinine “hidden camera” TV shows? Or perhaps a wager between 2 people to have a laugh at the expense of a stranger

Monday

Seize the moment

(reproduced from a forward)

I arrived at the address where someone had requested a taxi. I honked but no one came out. I honked again, nothing. So I walked to the door and knocked. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.

After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie.

By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets..

There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, and then returned to assist the woman.

She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.

She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her. 'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated'..
'Oh, you're such a good boy', she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, and then asked, 'Could you drive through downtown?'

'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly.
'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice'.

I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left,' she continued. 'The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.

'What route would you like me to take?' I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.

We drove through the neighbourhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.

Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired. Let's go now'

We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico.

Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her.

I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

'How much do I owe you?' she asked, reaching into her purse.
'Nothing,' I said

'You have to make a living,' she answered.

'There are other passengers,' I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.

'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said.

'Thank you.'

I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.
I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift?
What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?
On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.


We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.

But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID, BUT THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL.

Friday

Are India’s young an illusion?

Everyone in India thinks that the youth is a very powerful, decisive, changing agent for a super power India to emerge! And with 2/3rds of Indians below the age of 35 the young certainly look a promising large number to make some powerful changes if they decide to.

At the risk of sounding naïve and simplistic I’m not sure we can conclude that young Indians have a unique and independent political preferences and views – my own sense is they are out of depth and out of sorts with the world of politics and that they’d rather not dirty their hands or brave hardships to change the status quo in the country.

They are happy to sit on the sidelines and continue to be apathetic and indifferent to the political governance in the country but are opinionated and trigger happy with words and points of views which continue to spew forth, without a break.

I guess much stress does get put on the youth of our country because the youth are supposed to be the carriers of change and transformation. If the past 3 phases of polling were to be taken into account then this myth feeds on a perception that the youth does not confirm to any of these beliefs including the angst of 26/11 which seemed to have overtly galvanized them into action but now seems long forgotten!

The youth seem less politically active than ever despite so many “voting driven” communication campaigns – with John Abraham, Aamir Khan and so many other large Bollywood stars. Obviously there are more active priorities and anxieties in life they seem to be consumed by a) how to earn money furiously quick b) how to prepare for a professional career c) how to circumvent controversies and not stick out with any point of view!

If I were to draw inferences from all the tv debates and real life instances I have seen thus far, then there is no systematic difference between the manner in which the young and the not-so-young vote. In opinions, there is simply nothing like a generational jump in Indian politics that can form a dividing line between an emerging point of view and an old generation thinking!.

The young support democracy in much the same way as the old do.

The young are about as traditional and conservative as the old. Even on questions like inter-caste marriage, live in relations, son preference over daughter - the opinions of the young are not actually very different from the rest of the population.