Tuesday

Love and Marriage not forever nomore?


Do you believe in fairy tales. Were you reared on happy endings and forever after? Do you believe in eternity? Did you read only those books that promised joy and happiness despite the lows of life? Do you believe there is that one special someone there for everyone?  Who may come into your life perhaps when you turn 60 or have one foot in the grave?

Today's reality pushes all these romantic notions on its head. It compels you to think otherwise. Today's reality forces you to 'transact' at various points of your life with love. Todays reality reflects that love is transactional, the 'forever' script is at best foolish and naive.

Our parents lived happily ever after. So you hope you will too. But our parents lived in a generation where one's dependency over the other was complete. Our generation is way too independent. In-fact the dependency is very feeble and at best transactional too.

Love is today a distraction from the supposedly important things in life- money and status? Sure, many myths get shattered. A reality check.

Many people in the known realm today marry not for love, but for settling down. A predicament? Not sure. Seems more like a happy compromise that people have come to terms with. It  may stun some of us, but then again, when you speak to those who are separated or divorced within a year of their marriage, this reality, of settling down (not for love) but for other vital reasons, becomes, logical too (?)

And right here I come face to face with another reality. Assuming you settle down to such a situation or even at best a business transaction relationship. Which, comes to an end, inside a year or so? How do you rationalize this reality? After all marriage isn't a passion-fest, its more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane, and often boring non profit business.

Yea, my last resort, "sarcasm" the best defense when reality is so different from the happy endings one wishes for! The only thing that allows you to hold on to your balance. Just about.

Where are we headed? If no forevers, if no love, then what? Variety? Sure. For how long? Forever? IS this a new paradigm in our Digital age?

IS it time to redefine the institution of Marriage and perhaps define 'a successful marriage' as a 1 or 2 year contractual agreement? Or will it give way to an experimental phase once again with the 'live -in relationship' becoming a reality?  (May not fly in India..). Or then maybe here's the dawning of yet another reality, the reality of single-hood. Today more and more friends are opting for this alternative, as compromises and business transactions in a relationship are unacceptable to them. They don't wear their heart on their sleeves, they are supremely confident of their earning capabilities to secure a stable future for themselves, they are willing to be there for their parents and their pets unconditionally, till the very end. Life come a full circle?

The more I speak to my friends, the more I look around, the more I seek answers the more marriage and forever seem like an elusive reality. Friends are willing to bet, only on themselves. Marriage is ok but not enough to sustain. Marriage is dated, because you don't want to give all yourself to anyone anymore.One should not be over involved says a very close friend. Wise words huh? After all, as she says, its not worth it if there is no quid pro quo.

Maybe the morning light will make me want to add or delete some stuff from here, but for now, it seems the writing on the wall is  "Don't fall in love. Don't get married. Fall off a bridge, it hurts less"


15 comments:

RavneetSingh said...

Mee, I have known you a long while now, had much fun growing up together too. I have zested in life with you, flirted unabashedly too. You always know you have a solid friend in me, if you ever feel the need to turn to someone ever. Knowing how spunky, charming and caring you are, if ever someone does try to harm you, they'll probably need to answer me first. No shit!

I came upon this post accidentally ...transiting at Brussels, was browsing through some stuff for office, and your blog popped open on some wrong key I pressed. Since I have time on my hands decided to check on you and whats happening with you.

I don't know the background to what triggered this post, but all I can say is, the reality is summed up correctly by you. From my perspective marriage is finito. There are no happily ever afters. Come to terms with it my darling Mee, you dont wanna be hurt.

Calling you NOW!! Its been ages I heard your sexy husky voice:D

sheila said...

Shooting strt from the hip Mee!! As always:))

Marriage as an institution dead? Perhaps. Love dead...nope dont think so. Transactional? Hitting the bulls eye! Are we leading superficial flimsy lives? May be.

Thought provoking post indeed. Doesn't allow you to turn your head away from some tough realities. Time for each of us to ask this ask.

Pharma Pharmer said...

This is something I tend to agree...as I mentioned to a friend few days back that "love is no longer an emotion, but a transaction"

Today only if it helps achieve an individual's personal goals, then only 'love' happens...and more often than not, these personal goals are more in the realm of material then emotional

I guess, 'fallng in love' has truly got a completely different meaning in today's word!

rajindermakkar said...

It's a massive Pandora's box knocked open wide, my dear. Marriage as an institution is not dead,but certainly has undergone drastic change, trying, as u say, to keep pace with the changing expectations which are more n more self-centered. As a corollary, the concept of FAMILY is no longer what it used to be, but that is another topic by itself! Undeniable fact is, most ppl merely flow with the tide n do the "right" thing (to sustain procreation/recreation under a legit garb?)

Now, love is a diff ball game altogether - if I take my own exmple, tis very much alive n "kickin" :-) But, yes, hv seen it flourishin even in the younger lot today, "modified" to match the hurly burly lifestyle of Gen nxt. The ME is very much factored into most everything, so also in "LOVE".

Phew, could go on n on, but Mammon beckons. Perhaps, another time, another place!!!

Shweta said...

Love and marriage... don't necessarily go together Mee. Marriage is when 2 people willingly coming together, where, the bedrock of stability, comes from compromises. If both are willing to live by this dictate, it will be a successful marriage

Love on the other hand..as understood by many, is the purity that parents feel for their kids, or siblings for each other...this does not necessarily translate in the same selfless manner in a 'gender' specific relationship.

Love is nomore altruistic or selfless. Once the initial flush wears off, its over. Boredom sets in, you are right. And if there is nomore meaningful togetherness, then it is the end of road for love

There is so much one can say and debate on this subject M, perhaps when we meet soon this week we shall talk about it. Will take too much to write out so many thoughts here in the comment section:DD

melinda said...

Boy o boy hate this subject Mee!!!Anything dark and grim and unhappy is a NO NO!!

weisel said...

MARRIAGES are still on i think, yes to find the right person , the perfect soulmate might b a 50% fictional thing ,mayb 75% fictional;uamm mayb a bit more then tht :) too...
its a rarity in to0days time, but u know once u have found one!
i presume the simplicity of the institute is not exsisting,as in the caring, sharing, bonding,its become more a superficial thingy, more when u say transactional;it is materialistic in 2days time for sure; and to agreat level the emotional connect is to nt visible or seen!
so yes it is becoming for ur reasons of security and societically u r ther, seems gud enough!!
but true love and bonding is very rare nowadays, very rare!!
can talk on.....

ReX said...

There is nothing called "forever" in this new world. Marriages can sustain if the parties are good in adjustment business but not "for the sake of adjusting we are adjusting" kinda logic.

Urban India is America in 60's. Now you can see more stable homes less divorce in US comparing to India. All we needed a break down and start it again.Eventually that will happen.

Live-in-relation ship = Its another ploy usually ended up with single mom story or using a woman's youth for many years and dumping her on road side. Ideally it can only be practiced by financially Independent pair.

Divorce reasons in India:
Over possesiveness
Breaking of Traditional Bahu concept
Ego
Less time for Family more time for Office
Sexual Fustration
When woman demands equal participation and freedom
Mostly Indian men don't like Independent woman.

Rohit Narang said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rohit Narang said...

Hi mee- I even being a male have complete belief in a part of life called marriage what u call an institution! If not marriage then what?
1)Does that means one can have kids from anyone & immediately after birth the new born be sent to some annathalayaa! Or a mother should raise the children forever & be on the receiving end whole life?
2)Who will imbibe gud virtues into children for a better future?
3) marriage is a faith just like GOD... We never seen god, & many including me are sceptical that its actually present! But want this notion to prevail for the gud of mankind!
4) love in today's world is totally blunder. This is where marriage comes in actually! It imbibes 2 ppl socially! 1 of my friend broke with her lover 2 days back after an affair for 6 yrs! She was going to marry him next week! If she can't understand some1 in 6 yrs then how much more time she requires? Marriage is something in which, if u get coal, u need to turn it into diamonds rather than turning more coal here n there to search for diamonds!
5) whats needed in today's digital world is more freedom & less interference for ur spouse. Family integration is indispensable, we are humans not animals!
6) A Faux Paus & not a Quip Pro Quo.....

makmaddy17 said...

well said my friend..... loved it.....

Aijaz Ahmed Pitafi said...

Feel like writing a blog in response to your take. But here are some comments:
i) Marriage has nothing to do with love. Love is a by-product of marriage
ii) Marriage is an agreement between male and female, a religious obligation to live naturally (don't bring in gay rights here please)
iii) Marriage depends heavily on compromises from both wife and husband
iv) Prime responsibility of married couple is to raise children, and make them good humanbeings for the benefit of society
v) Marriage taking place on worldly reasons; money, estate, business, love affair, etc., is like a glasshouse, a mirage
vi) Marrige has no relevance with the "era" or "age", and
vii) Marriage creates a family; relationships like father, mother, brother, sister, son, daughter

In a nutshell, I strongly support the existance of marriage whereas love is a secondary thing.

Anon said...

I have stopped leaving comments on blogs, FB etc.... want my privacy and want the freedom to share with only those who I know and care for.
Was compelled to do a reply here...

On marriage .... from a very early age I knew what it was and never had doubts of 'happily ever after' .. had vowed to be single since I love my privacy and independence ...bit of a 'solitary soul' , never felt the need to get into it till I did . Even as I have gone thru it , it has been with hardly any romantic notions of 'happily ever after' ...with each day of sorting differences in opinion & issues etc. All that you have written is so true ...only that I never ever for a moment thought otherwise and perhaps that is why great disillusionment and disappointment has eluded me .

I have wanted to write a book on marriage and on how silly are the notions that our parents , media and society project . Marriage and even parenting are highly
over rated and the only purpose ( if there is one)of both is procreation and to save mankind from extinction !!!

Lotsa love

PP

Anon said...

The word marriage has taken a different meaning like the word "driving" in India!

Just like driving it has become a dangerously chaotic dance, where every break or twist of the wheel is a split second decision (read not analyzing the' life' partner and/or marriage as an institution itself)

No more adequate time given for right or left indicators, no more respect for traffic lights, right of the way, pedestrians, proper training for a driver's license ( read married couples)

Infact gone are the proper functioning of traffic lights or pedestrians staying in the foot path ( read society)

Money speaks to the Police ( read lawyers)

Narrowing of the gender gap adds to the confusion!

Successful marriage either happens between between two people who think practically!

Love has lost its innocence!
Uma

Mee said...

@RS: was lovely speaking with you as always:)). TY for your comment here:)

@Sheila - ty:))

@Pharma Pharmer - yep, no 2 ways there

@Raj - perhaps. the Idea was to stir a debate...get opposite and varying thots on board:))

@Shweta - if more or less marriage as an insti is finito as most agree ( given drastic changes it is going thru- perhaps it will be born again in another avataar)- atleast Love clda been a constant- but neither is that...too much flux:)))

@Mel - LOL

@Weisel - "simplicity and marriage" belongs to another era. This era is all about self gratification and at tat "instantly"....

@ReX - no debate- thr is nothing called "forever" nomore.

@Rohit - what has surprised me about the comments here is that the males continue to believe in this institution of marriage while the female species have more or less thrown in the towel...

@makmaddy 17-:)))

@Aijaz: "compromise" while at one level true for 2 ppl to coexist- the essential reason being kids...is leading to another phenomenon in our society i.e.e single girls are happily adopting kids today...and r happy to raise them as an only parent ( without ever being married...)

@PP u r too wise:))

@Uma - true:))